During my recent astrological reading with Dru Ish, they said this year will be marked by my confrontation of what it means to be powerful. “What does being powerful mean to you, Tom?” Dru asked. The question caught me off guard. I definitely did not have a ready answer. Power, dang. Such a freighted word.
I considered quietly for a bit then said, “I think, for me anyhow, that to be powerful is…to feel grounded and confident.” My answer came out sounding like a question, but still, it felt right at the time, even if it was pretty vague. I then repeated my answer without elaborating. “Grounded and confident. Yeah. That’s power.”
If I were in Dru’s position I might have asked, “OK Tom, then what does it mean to be grounded? Or confident? What makes them powerful?” But Dru just let my nebulous answer hang and continued on with the session. Now, some two weeks later, I’m still thinking about their question. What does it mean to be powerful?
For me, power triggers memories of specific examples from my past, all of which are themed by some sort of conflict. Battles for control, struggles to be seen. It calls to mind my days as a competitive athlete where I lived a never-ending me vs. whoever else happened to be at the start line. And if I’m being honest, me vs. my body, as well. Power makes me think of my stint as a soldier where a broken form of power granted me access to things like rank, resources, and a blind eye. And more recently, power has been a player in my entrepreneurial life where strife is often caused by the rift between me and an idealized version of me—one who’s fighting to climb a ladder for financial gain or validation. Or recognition. Or because I simply like being the one writing my own schedule. Without a doubt, power is, and always has been, a heaviness.
Power also makes me think of past partners with whom I’ve had troublesome dynamics. Scrapes over perceived reciprocity and a balance of giving. Of shouldering burdens. Of knowing and unknowing. Worriment resulting from questions of togetherness, and what it means to embody and support individual freedom.
And of course the social uses of the word power can also be divisive. Cliche phrases like “power corrupts” and “money is power,” or various racial prefixes only reinforce the challenge to see power as anything but a force for authority, or, at worst, domination.
Gah. Power. Such a knotty chord it strikes in me. Dru, however, offered a fresh angle on power. They agreed it was loaded, but also implied that it could be something aspirational, if not inspirational.
After my reading, I did some searching on what it means to be powerful. Here are a few things I found in the Google ether:
We are most powerful when we are our most authentic, vulnerable, and real selves
Power is our ability to manifest our reality with ease
Power requires us to cultivate a clear space for it on the inside, rather than try to acquire more of it from the outside
Our powerlessness is exacerbated by our stepping over or around hard issues
Hmm. Seems that to be powerful is to truly know myself, then live in accordance with this knowledge. I wonder if I’ve been doing that.
My exploration made me think of an example—money. I ascribe power to money and, as such, spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about how to have more of it. The irony is that more of it never leads to less fretting. My motivation for this “power” is actually an attempt to assuage my deepest fears of being without. Without means. Without access. In this case (and others, surely), what I’ve been thinking of as power is actually a shroud over that which terrifies me the most.
I logically understand that I should let go of some things: my irrational fears, my old patterns of thoughts and behaviors, the past. But it’s not easy. Living according to such fictions keeps me safe. And frankly, there was a time when this way of living was the best solution. But in keeping me safe (when I wasn’t ready for more), it also kept me small. Now I am ready for more. And this more can only be brought about by a greater expression of me—which to say, a more powerful me.
But I can’t express myself greater unless I know who I actually am in the here and now. What are my authentic needs and wants? What’s my doggone purpose? What’s my overarching why? These questions are easy to overthink. And even when I land on something that feels right, I question it because is it really my why? Or is this why influenced by my lifetime of false narratives?
This week I rediscovered one of my journal entries. It was dated more than ten years ago. From back when I was writing the script for my very first speaking event. It went like this:
“My why—I believe it’s my duty to do what I am best at for the sake of others. I am a really good teacher. I am a fantastic storyteller. And though it sounds odd in today’s era, I am also an adventurer. If I’m balancing these efforts, I’m expressing myself to the highest degree AND passing the results of my talents onto others. This is why I am here.”
Dang. This is spot on. And a decade old, no doubt. But it’s become so rote that I haven’t stopped to really think about it for a while. And wow, it’s more airtight now than it’s ever been.
This combination of self fulfillment and my willingness to give it all away fires me up. Always has. Hereafter, as I build my personal and professional strategies, I’ll not try to reinvent the wheel. I need only tap back into what’s been driving me all along and make sure it’s properly weaved into my future moves.
I believe my power will not come from exploiting my talents as a product for the market. Nor should it be an avenue to fill my buckets more than they need to be filled. My true power only comes alive when two things happen: I shine a light on my natural attributes, then share it with others as we, together, make and repair the world around us as best we can. Imagine what it would be like if we all plugged into what we were best at then offered it to each other. That would sure be something.
As I consider these ideas more deeply, I see clearly what Dru referred to as “a confrontation of my power.” Could I live more authentically? Could I live more honestly? Could I present myself more vulnerably? Could I live with less fear? The answer to all is an all caps and bold highlighted, YES.
I trust that when I cultivate the true facets of my existence’s life force, then share these special things with the world, I am as powerful as I’ll ever need to be. My foundation starts here. What might this mean in the future? Who knows. But whatever the case, it’ll be a better me stepping forward into it.
And this is what I am thinking about today.
Hey it finally allowed me to leave a comment!
Everything I read on the topic - at least what I deem to have merit - speaks of the need to have a purpose. A definition of your own purpose and what drives you. I think what you wrote 10 years ago sums it up nicely Tom. Many people never figure this out, much less even consider it. I think you’re on your way with this one.